Fake News Flash

Mahendra Singh Dhoni to quit cricket. Planning to concentrate on growing his hair.
By Praful Shankar, who is truly frustrated that Dhoni makes more money than him.

The casualty list of the Indian cricket team’s shocking exit from the Cricket T20 World Cup and losses to Australia has its first entrant. Noted Ad actor, John Abraham wannabe and part time cricketer, Mahendra Singh Dhoni has announced that he plans to call quits on his cricketing career to concentrate on the thing he does best and is most famous for doing – growing his hair.

Standing before his newly constructed and newly demolished house, he told reporters that he felt his cricketing career “has begun to take toll on his life and he would rather spend time doing something he enjoyed.”

Speaking intermittently, when the gathered cricket fans would tire from insulting his mother, Dhoni thanked Mandira Bedi for showing him what truly matters in life. “I think Mandira is the person who opened my eyes and for that I am eternally grateful.” said a visibly emotional Dhoni.

”Watching her I understood that it ok to be a talent less, media hound as long as your hair is shiny and straight.” he continued,” I am looking forward to many challenges that lie ahead in my life, including curling, dyeing and one day, I hope that my hair will remembered in the annals of history like Don King’s.”


News of Dhoni’s retirement sent shockwaves through the Indian cricket fraternity. Yuvraj Singh’s alleged former girlfriend, Kim Sharma seemed to visibly upset when informed about the news. When asked for a comment, Ms Sharma, giggled hysterically and then said, “I am very exited about this new role. I know everybody says this but this one is really different.” Isha Sharvani, the alleged former girlfriend of speedster Zaheer Khan, was more dramatic in her reaction. On hearing the news, she climbed along a nearby lamppost and twirled down before landing in a balletic fashion on her left toe, while raising her right leg in the air, towards the sky.

BCCI officials announced that “there would be sweeping changes to Dhoni’s hairstyle and that he would await a full report from former coach Greg Chappell, before deciding on what action is to be taken. Once that is done we shall start doing something about those farmer suicides.”

Chappell, for his part said,” There are reasons for this and I am not prepared to go into that now.” When a distraught teenage girl from Jharkand slapped him, he proceeded to show her the finger that he had injured in Kolkata around a year ago.

There was more drama in Bangalore where Rahul Dravid called the development a “collective failure” and assumed full responsibility. Later on Dravid proceeded to a net session where he faced around 200 balls, letting 184 of them go through to the keeper safely outside off stump.

Dhoni’s close friend Harbhajan Singh could not be reached for comment as he was busy hiding Romesh Powar’s red goggles.

And finally, the tersest reaction came from the most vital cog in the Indian cricket wheel, Sehwag Ki Maa, who interacted with the media via a cellphone message sent to a random man standing in a crowd. The message contained a frozen picture of just her sitting around somewhere.



HOME, SWEET HOME: Mahendra Singh Dhoni runs to escape angry cows whose milk he drank during his pre-fame days.

Beauty and the Metrosexual

Man has always been an ambitious animal. It is precisely for this reason that we have, throughout the course of history, found ways to imagine and create the most audacious instruments for absolutely unnecessary reasons. Just think about it. We built airplanes because we were too lazy to walk and also, because some idiots thought jumping off one is a great way to impress women. We even decided that it is ok to punch big holes in the ozone layer just to stop the leftover pizza from going bad overnight. Of course, we do realize that these holes may one day cause the submerging of our whole civilization (including our local Dominoes joint) but we still believe it a small price to pay against getting up a little earlier in the morning and cooking.

So, like I said: Man is a ridiculously ambitious animal.

Women are even worse.

I have an explanation for this theory. Since time immemorial, man’s endeavor has always been to destroy Mother Nature with the sole objective of complimenting the lethargy of both men and women. The women care just about themselves. On the contrary, man has never created anything just for himself - except porn and to be fair, we have always encouraged female participation in this area. But women have somehow managed to fashion the conception of a variety of articles that have, for centuries, meant as much to men as a library would to George Bush. I speak of those multi-colored creams, gels, and sprays etc that occupy space in bathrooms of women for no apparent reason except to take away space that can be put to much better use (read: stack up Playboys).

Yet the absolute irrelevance of these items seems to be lost on all womankind. As a neutral observer, I cant help but notice the irony of this situation where after chastising men for centuries with claims that men are shallow and see beauty as only skin deep, evidence seems to suggest to the contrary. I seriously cannot imagine any reason for women to regularly immerse themselves in these creams, gels etc other than to look good and attract us “shallow” men with their skin-deep beauty (unless one of these products is secretly also beautifying the “soul” of its users). Of course, women will be up in well scented, moisturized and sun protected arms against my claims. They will say that their last concern is to attract men. I admit that a small minority of women is being truthful with these statements. That small minority are the lesbians. The rest are simply lying.

Please do not assume that I am upset by this state of events. I am only too happy to continue in this vein as it allows men to assume the higher moral ground and to be honest, the view is better from up there. One of the main reasons is that I can look down and revel in the outer beauty of the likes of J-Lo and Nicole Kidman. Not only that, I can perform this activity with a feeling of smugness that I enjoy profusely owing to the reasons explained above.

Unfortunately, it seems my days of bliss maybe coming to an end. Because I have noticed- guys have begun to color their hair. Its not the actual deed that worries me as much as what it represents. And what it represents is the fact that slowly, guys are turning into the very species that has tormented us the most, namely women.

I know that the concept for hair coloring is not new to men. For years, guys have tried to hide their grays by dying their hair and that is totally fine. But these days, it seems a new kind of evil has captured the hearts of men and some of my perfectly dark haired brothers have been noticed coloring their manes with shades that range from blonde to brown. And let me be the first to ask these guys,” What in the world is wrong with you?”

Not only does this getup look absolutely ridiculous but it also scares me into thinking: What next? Are we going to start using word like “sensitive” and feelings” when we speak with each other? Are we going to stop staying up late to catch a football match because we don’t want dark circles under our eyes? Will I have to see the day a guy refuses another pint of beer because its “fattening”? Will we finally learn the meaning of the words manicure and pedicure? Will the day come when guys start saying its ok to let go of our feelings? Are we going to start liking Meryl Streep movies?

Dear readers, as I write this piece, I sit huddled near my computer in a dark room in the deepest corner of my house, afraid that the monster that has taken over my fellow brothers may one day cast its evil spell on me. This maybe because I’m onto my second case of beer in the last two hours. It could also be because I seem to have noticed what few others have and realize that the very foundations of the pillars that have held mankind up for many centuries seem to be crumbling under attack from rose smelling lotions.

Testosterone Calling

I was driving down Koramangala a few weeks back when a guy riding a bike almost rammed into my car. To this day I do not know how he missed since I was driving a fairly visible car in broad daylight and I am certain he was actually trying to hit me. No one drives that badly by mistake. Anyway, after our almost collision he let go a furious flurry of words that I didnt quite catch completely. However, the parts I did catch dealt mainly with the legitimacy of my mother's and father's relationship and serious doubts that were cast on my parentage. I was able to decipher what my insightful friend was saying because he actually took the trouble to stop his bike and lean over to the driver's seat of my car as he made his musings public. Confronted with such wild accusations flying off the mouth of a seemingly, no, surely uneducated, uncouth son of our great nation, I decided to take the high road and behave like any respectable, impressionable young man and ignore him with dignity. That was just before I stuck my middle finger up and told him that this was no way to speak to his father.

That afternoon there wasn’t anything good on TV and so I start to think about the activities of that morning, as to what in the world were the both of us trying to accomplish by insulting each other. After all, there was no damage and its not as if any of the stuff we called each other could possibly be true. Then I finally uncovered the truth - Testosterone. Before any of you nod cynically consider this - would any being naturally denied large possession of testosterone in its system (read women) react the way we did. The answer would be an overwhelming NO!

Once I reached my conclusion I began to dwell a little deeper on the subject and found myself amazed at the contribution that one hormone (or whatever it is ) contributes to the male psyche. In fact, now I am convinced that 70 per cent of the male body is made up of testosterone. And the rest by beer. All that stuff you have heard about liver, pancreas, blood etc are completely fabricated by drunk scientists who were just trying to have some fun.(Who the hell would name something "pancreas" anyway?) And once you open your mind to the Testosterone Theory you will amazingly be able to unravel the secrets behind why guys have behaved the way they have until today, with far more ease than any theory you have encountered till date. And it will definitely make much more sense than all that crap about pancreas and all.

You will finally be able to understand why after drinking ourselves silly, guys still go for that one extra drink. And why after puking all nutritious intake and generally feeling miserable, we are still ready to do it all over again. It is the reason why we periodically arrange ourselves in two groups of eleven and run around like idiots behind a round, bouncy object. Why do you think we say weird things and make even weirder noises when a pretty girl walks by and still be under the impression that she fancies us? It is the sole reason why Sachin Tendulkar, to this day, believes that the Indian Cricket Team can win anything and continues to waste energy and time in pursuit of that dream when in actually he must be writing a self help book called "How to keep a hold of your senses when all else seems bleak". It is the mystery behind why fantastic talents like Mohanlal and Marlon Brando thought -at different times in history- no matter how much crap their films become and how much weight they put on, people will still watch their movies. And if you still have any doubts I present my final argument, The Matador. To me, he is the very embodiment of testosterone filled delusion. This genius has convinced himself that all he needs to take on an animal that weighs four times his own weight, has two more legs that him and two horns (a physical attribute he will never be able to match) is a red piece of cloth. And to add insult to injury, he has decided to make a career out of it when he should actually be reading Sachin's book. And have you seen any lady matadors? I rest my case.

After reading the above paragraph, dear readers may be under the impression that testosterone is a negative influence on all beings and society in general. I am definitely not saying that. Actually, I believe that it is the secret behind all things great that mankind has achieved, including Internet porn. Alexander the Great is a classic example. This guy spent his all life trying to conquer the world and make all society one and succeeded in his mission to a large extent. He would have been even more successful had he not surrounded himself with losers who I believe were early ancestors of those who make up our cricket team today. And for most recent examples, take the discovery of electricity. Why else would Ben Franklin go out kite flying in the middle of a storm?

I am getting a little concerned that the lady readers of this article may be getting a little tired of listening about the secrets of "men” kind but I beg you damsels to listen. I am giving you the answer to all those things you thought were inexplicable about us. I have already dwelt earlier on our mate-attracting exercises. And haven’t you always wondered why guys don’t listen enough to what you say, generally seems distant when you express you feelings and generally keep forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, your names etc? The answer behind that is.....beer and also, periodical fantasies about Beyonce Knowles. But the answer to all your other questions is, in fact, testosterone.

Some of you attached ladies may disagree. You may say that your partner is different from the rest. Well.... then you really need to read Sachin's book. All men are the same. Only the size our bank accounts differ and that is purely based on luck. We are all made up of the fluid discussed vividly in this piece and beer. The combination has made us extremely lazy and will one day make us horribly overweight. Then you may consider leaving us for Matthew Mcconaughey. But when you meet him, you will realize he is just the same as the guy you just thought about leaving. Except he has freakishly hard abs. And don’t worry about disclosing your dreams about Matthew to us. We have learnt that when all else fails us, beer will never let us down. And Beyonce is in a lotta songs these days.

So, as I sign off I would like to also mention that most of the comments you read above were in jest and were definitely not meant to be serious in nature. Except that part about Matthew Mcconaughey’s abs. That is just freaky.

The Importance Of Being Barack

On January 20th, 2009 Barack Hussein Obama took oath as the 44th President of the United States of America. Doing so, he became the first African American to occupy the seat of the US President. His highly attended and beautifully multicultural inauguration was the culmination of one of the most remarkable political stories of our times. Born the son of a black Kenyan father and a white American mother, Obama was a virtual unknown merely fours year ago. But ever since he delivered his landmark speech at the Democratic national convention in 2004, Obama’s rise has been meteoric. On the way to the presidency, Obama managed to defeat two of the most well known and well respected politicians in America - Hillary Clinton and John McCain. For the past four years, Obama has defied almost every thread of political logic and reasoning, breaking numerous barriers and mending even more fences.

Finally, he has become President.

It will take countless words to precisely depict the relevance of Obama’s achievement. Perhaps even Obama and the ones who have watched and supported him the closest will not be able to fully comprehend what he has achieved. The only way to even remotely capture the magnificence of Obama’s rise to the Presidency and what it means to the entire world would be to simply say that at this unique point in time, when the entire globe it at crossroads, Barack Obama is the most important person in the world. He is not important just because of the post he occupies or the path he has tread on to occupy it. He is not important just because of his name or the color of his skin or his oratory gifts. He is important because he, more that any public figure today, truly represents the triumph of hope over adversity.

He has chosen to lead in dark times. All over the world, the life earnings and personal esteem of ordinary men have been shattered because of the insatiable greed of a few. As the economy of America crumbles, the economy of the world spirals towards uncertain times. For decades, the American economy has been a figurehead for the world – whether the world chooses to accept or deny it. The predicament seems so dire and so mysterious that even the greatest economic minds of our times do not seem to know of a way to tame the beast.

There seems to be a war everywhere these days. In the Middle East, there is renewed tension between the age old foes – the Arabs and the Jews. A ceasefire has been called but many suspect that it could be another lull before another storm. A little further east, a band of juvenile; drugged murderers attacked the heart and spirit of the world’s largest democracy. The dark deeds of that November night served as a chilling reminder of perils that face the free world from increasingly reckless and ambitious terrorist forces. The US themselves fight two wars in two countries much far from their own. The one is Afghanistan is fought with fair reasons. Yet the sacrifices of the soldiers who are at danger there almost seem forgotten with the War in Iraq drawing widespread condemnation from the entire globe, making America a much hated nation.

There is widespread famine in some of the poorest countries of the world. Millions die everyday due to state sponsored genocides in many parts of Africa. The earth appears to be almost sapped of all its vitality. With the environment deteriorating and global temperatures rising, it seems that waters from the poles will sink the lands from parts.

If ever the world needed to hear a story of triumph over adversity, of hope over despair, it is now.

The signs are that Obama sees very well the challenges that lie ahead. In a deliberate effort to achieve continuity and avoid even the slightest delay in his efforts to rebuild America, Obama executed undoubtedly the most effective US Presidential transition in history. Just hours after he was elected President – and months before he was to assume office – Obama set the ball rolling, announcing detailed transition plans, spearheading conferences to resolve the floundering economy and assembling a star studded Presidential Cabinet – his ‘Team of Rivals’.

If any single announcement demonstrated Obama’s executive abilities and his understanding of the ways of Washington, it was the very first one he made of Rahm ‘Rahmbo’ Emanuel as his Chief of Staff. Those who know him would not hesitate in dubbing Emanuel one of the most driven and combative Democrats working right now, famous for his explosive tongue and confrontational attitude. Republicans immediately scoffed at the selection, saying that Emanuel represented the exact opposite of the bipartisan approach to governance Obama advocated. In actuality, it was the best letter of intent that Obama could have written. With just one selection, Obama demonstrated that his head wasn’t up in the air and that if he wanted to bring such dramatic changes to Washington, it called for someone as single-minded as Emanuel. Many more announcements followed, the most discussed of which was the selection of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. Again Obama demonstrated that he was ready to hire the best possible people for the job rather than an impotent team of yes-men. Obama’s work did not end with his appointments. A week before he assumed office, Obama had already convinced the House to pass his new bailout bill, convincing both Democrats and Republicans with an almost inspirational demonstration of leadership and responsibility.

In his inauguration speech, Obama spoke in great length – and with great elegance - about the difficulties that America and the world face today. In describing each challenge, he used almost lyrical language. It seemed as though Obama wanted the world to know that while the dangers were real and deadly, to defeat them would represent a success story even more romantic than his own.

As the years go by, we will see whether Obama will be able to deliver on his promises. His first days of Presidency have demonstrated the Obama is not one to shirk from taking tough decisions and speaking with strength. His inauguration speech was filled with nakedly honest messages to the Muslim world and even the previous American Administration. In the coming years, Obama will have to fight many enemies, both at home and abroad. The citizens of the world will not always look to him with the love and admiration that they do today. Nor will they agree with everything he does or believe in everything he says. But for now, they are – for their own sake – willing to give him a chance. They are willing to believe in his importance, rather than deny. They are willing to believe that whichever force of nature or divinity made the unlikely story of Barack Obama possible, will make their own hopes and aspirations for a fair and peaceful life, a reality as well.