Beauty and the Metrosexual

Man has always been an ambitious animal. It is precisely for this reason that we have, throughout the course of history, found ways to imagine and create the most audacious instruments for absolutely unnecessary reasons. Just think about it. We built airplanes because we were too lazy to walk and also, because some idiots thought jumping off one is a great way to impress women. We even decided that it is ok to punch big holes in the ozone layer just to stop the leftover pizza from going bad overnight. Of course, we do realize that these holes may one day cause the submerging of our whole civilization (including our local Dominoes joint) but we still believe it a small price to pay against getting up a little earlier in the morning and cooking.

So, like I said: Man is a ridiculously ambitious animal.

Women are even worse.

I have an explanation for this theory. Since time immemorial, man’s endeavor has always been to destroy Mother Nature with the sole objective of complimenting the lethargy of both men and women. The women care just about themselves. On the contrary, man has never created anything just for himself - except porn and to be fair, we have always encouraged female participation in this area. But women have somehow managed to fashion the conception of a variety of articles that have, for centuries, meant as much to men as a library would to George Bush. I speak of those multi-colored creams, gels, and sprays etc that occupy space in bathrooms of women for no apparent reason except to take away space that can be put to much better use (read: stack up Playboys).

Yet the absolute irrelevance of these items seems to be lost on all womankind. As a neutral observer, I cant help but notice the irony of this situation where after chastising men for centuries with claims that men are shallow and see beauty as only skin deep, evidence seems to suggest to the contrary. I seriously cannot imagine any reason for women to regularly immerse themselves in these creams, gels etc other than to look good and attract us “shallow” men with their skin-deep beauty (unless one of these products is secretly also beautifying the “soul” of its users). Of course, women will be up in well scented, moisturized and sun protected arms against my claims. They will say that their last concern is to attract men. I admit that a small minority of women is being truthful with these statements. That small minority are the lesbians. The rest are simply lying.

Please do not assume that I am upset by this state of events. I am only too happy to continue in this vein as it allows men to assume the higher moral ground and to be honest, the view is better from up there. One of the main reasons is that I can look down and revel in the outer beauty of the likes of J-Lo and Nicole Kidman. Not only that, I can perform this activity with a feeling of smugness that I enjoy profusely owing to the reasons explained above.

Unfortunately, it seems my days of bliss maybe coming to an end. Because I have noticed- guys have begun to color their hair. Its not the actual deed that worries me as much as what it represents. And what it represents is the fact that slowly, guys are turning into the very species that has tormented us the most, namely women.

I know that the concept for hair coloring is not new to men. For years, guys have tried to hide their grays by dying their hair and that is totally fine. But these days, it seems a new kind of evil has captured the hearts of men and some of my perfectly dark haired brothers have been noticed coloring their manes with shades that range from blonde to brown. And let me be the first to ask these guys,” What in the world is wrong with you?”

Not only does this getup look absolutely ridiculous but it also scares me into thinking: What next? Are we going to start using word like “sensitive” and feelings” when we speak with each other? Are we going to stop staying up late to catch a football match because we don’t want dark circles under our eyes? Will I have to see the day a guy refuses another pint of beer because its “fattening”? Will we finally learn the meaning of the words manicure and pedicure? Will the day come when guys start saying its ok to let go of our feelings? Are we going to start liking Meryl Streep movies?

Dear readers, as I write this piece, I sit huddled near my computer in a dark room in the deepest corner of my house, afraid that the monster that has taken over my fellow brothers may one day cast its evil spell on me. This maybe because I’m onto my second case of beer in the last two hours. It could also be because I seem to have noticed what few others have and realize that the very foundations of the pillars that have held mankind up for many centuries seem to be crumbling under attack from rose smelling lotions.