Testosterone Calling

I was driving down Koramangala a few weeks back when a guy riding a bike almost rammed into my car. To this day I do not know how he missed since I was driving a fairly visible car in broad daylight and I am certain he was actually trying to hit me. No one drives that badly by mistake. Anyway, after our almost collision he let go a furious flurry of words that I didnt quite catch completely. However, the parts I did catch dealt mainly with the legitimacy of my mother's and father's relationship and serious doubts that were cast on my parentage. I was able to decipher what my insightful friend was saying because he actually took the trouble to stop his bike and lean over to the driver's seat of my car as he made his musings public. Confronted with such wild accusations flying off the mouth of a seemingly, no, surely uneducated, uncouth son of our great nation, I decided to take the high road and behave like any respectable, impressionable young man and ignore him with dignity. That was just before I stuck my middle finger up and told him that this was no way to speak to his father.

That afternoon there wasn’t anything good on TV and so I start to think about the activities of that morning, as to what in the world were the both of us trying to accomplish by insulting each other. After all, there was no damage and its not as if any of the stuff we called each other could possibly be true. Then I finally uncovered the truth - Testosterone. Before any of you nod cynically consider this - would any being naturally denied large possession of testosterone in its system (read women) react the way we did. The answer would be an overwhelming NO!

Once I reached my conclusion I began to dwell a little deeper on the subject and found myself amazed at the contribution that one hormone (or whatever it is ) contributes to the male psyche. In fact, now I am convinced that 70 per cent of the male body is made up of testosterone. And the rest by beer. All that stuff you have heard about liver, pancreas, blood etc are completely fabricated by drunk scientists who were just trying to have some fun.(Who the hell would name something "pancreas" anyway?) And once you open your mind to the Testosterone Theory you will amazingly be able to unravel the secrets behind why guys have behaved the way they have until today, with far more ease than any theory you have encountered till date. And it will definitely make much more sense than all that crap about pancreas and all.

You will finally be able to understand why after drinking ourselves silly, guys still go for that one extra drink. And why after puking all nutritious intake and generally feeling miserable, we are still ready to do it all over again. It is the reason why we periodically arrange ourselves in two groups of eleven and run around like idiots behind a round, bouncy object. Why do you think we say weird things and make even weirder noises when a pretty girl walks by and still be under the impression that she fancies us? It is the sole reason why Sachin Tendulkar, to this day, believes that the Indian Cricket Team can win anything and continues to waste energy and time in pursuit of that dream when in actually he must be writing a self help book called "How to keep a hold of your senses when all else seems bleak". It is the mystery behind why fantastic talents like Mohanlal and Marlon Brando thought -at different times in history- no matter how much crap their films become and how much weight they put on, people will still watch their movies. And if you still have any doubts I present my final argument, The Matador. To me, he is the very embodiment of testosterone filled delusion. This genius has convinced himself that all he needs to take on an animal that weighs four times his own weight, has two more legs that him and two horns (a physical attribute he will never be able to match) is a red piece of cloth. And to add insult to injury, he has decided to make a career out of it when he should actually be reading Sachin's book. And have you seen any lady matadors? I rest my case.

After reading the above paragraph, dear readers may be under the impression that testosterone is a negative influence on all beings and society in general. I am definitely not saying that. Actually, I believe that it is the secret behind all things great that mankind has achieved, including Internet porn. Alexander the Great is a classic example. This guy spent his all life trying to conquer the world and make all society one and succeeded in his mission to a large extent. He would have been even more successful had he not surrounded himself with losers who I believe were early ancestors of those who make up our cricket team today. And for most recent examples, take the discovery of electricity. Why else would Ben Franklin go out kite flying in the middle of a storm?

I am getting a little concerned that the lady readers of this article may be getting a little tired of listening about the secrets of "men” kind but I beg you damsels to listen. I am giving you the answer to all those things you thought were inexplicable about us. I have already dwelt earlier on our mate-attracting exercises. And haven’t you always wondered why guys don’t listen enough to what you say, generally seems distant when you express you feelings and generally keep forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, your names etc? The answer behind that is.....beer and also, periodical fantasies about Beyonce Knowles. But the answer to all your other questions is, in fact, testosterone.

Some of you attached ladies may disagree. You may say that your partner is different from the rest. Well.... then you really need to read Sachin's book. All men are the same. Only the size our bank accounts differ and that is purely based on luck. We are all made up of the fluid discussed vividly in this piece and beer. The combination has made us extremely lazy and will one day make us horribly overweight. Then you may consider leaving us for Matthew Mcconaughey. But when you meet him, you will realize he is just the same as the guy you just thought about leaving. Except he has freakishly hard abs. And don’t worry about disclosing your dreams about Matthew to us. We have learnt that when all else fails us, beer will never let us down. And Beyonce is in a lotta songs these days.

So, as I sign off I would like to also mention that most of the comments you read above were in jest and were definitely not meant to be serious in nature. Except that part about Matthew Mcconaughey’s abs. That is just freaky.